Knowing How and When to Say No
In my ideal world, I'd have time to do everything. But since that's not reality for anyone, the next best thing is being able to say no—something I find incredibly tricky.
The word itself sounds harsh and even a bit mean as it rolls off your tongue or leaves your lips. Plus what if you're wrong and the person asking is really counting on you? The last thing you want is to hurt their feelings!
But then there are times when you feel like you just don't have the capacity right now (due in part to your own over-commitment). They may be disappointed but fine with letting go of the request. Either way, it helps keep your sanity while allowing you to live according to your values.
The trick to saying no is doing it in the right way. Here are some guidelines that may help:
Be honest and clear from the start. Say something like, "I'd love to help but I just don't have time at this point." This leaves no room for misinterpretation or hurt feelings later on. (If you still want to say yes, maybe you can refer them elsewhere—like a friend who's more available.) Let them know why you're saying no. In addition to being honest about your own situation, it will also show that you value their communication skills and care about the relationship enough to be up front with them instead of shutting down without an explanation. Give yourself a good reason why you're saying no—in this way you'll feel more comfortable (I normally say that I'm too busy at the moment).
If the person keeps pushing, it may be time to state your boundaries. If they're going to respect you and treat you well, they have to know when their requests become inappropriate. You could simply ask them if what they're doing is disrespectful or if they'd want someone else to treat them in a similar manner.
What's also helpful when saying no for the long term is setting some boundaries with yourself about how far you're willing to go with something as well. Again, this is true whether your "yes" turns out to be a mistake or not. Having this understanding in place will help prevent resentment from building up over time.
If you've been saying yes to everything without giving much thought to the consequences, this could be a good opportunity to take inventory of what's working and what's not. Are your energy levels going up or down? What are you doing that genuinely makes a difference in other people's lives? These questions will point you towards truthfulness as well as help create an inner sense of balance.
Taking charge of how we say no can be one of the most empowering things we do for ourselves—and others. If you change how you communicate with yourself, it also changes the way others communicate with you (since they're mirrors for us).
Here are some examples:
No, I can't go out tonight but maybe some other time.
No, I can't help you with this project because I don't know the first thing about it.
No, that's not an appropriate way to treat people—at least not if you want me around.
There are many ways we can use these words from a place of strength instead of giving in to pressure or fear and being taken advantage of by others who may try to manipulate us by using guilt trips or whatever else they have up their sleeves. When we say no with integrity and confidence , then our lives start moving in the direction we want them to go.
We're very good at teaching others how to speak to us so why not be better at speaking for ourselves as well?