Do You Try To "Win" Every Argument?

"I am always right, you always are wrong."

When there is a disagreement in your team about how to proceed with a project, do you try to convince them why they should agree with you? Most people instinctively try and win an argument. They attempt to convince others that they are right-and the other person is wrong. Does this habit get you what you want?

In the short term, it can feel very good to be right. But long-term, these tactics don't work well in a team or at home.

Here's why: People who try to win every argument tend to...

1. Sound patronizing and superior . In an attempt to convince others of your point of view, you may end up sounding condescending when you state facts or opinions about something that they already know. Arguments are usually triggered by differences in beliefs and values, but focusing on the facts alone makes it seem like you think their thinking is not rational or logical. This also creates defensiveness and resentment.

2. Push people away from you . Bringing up the past mistakes of others is a common way to prove your point. But when you focus on how wrong someone was in the past, you're actually pushing them away from you. This makes it harder for people to trust and like you. Once an argument starts, people begin to lose sight of why they are talking in the first place...the original issue gets lost in defending themselves against your criticism.

3. Lose . It's hard to convince someone that they are wrong-especially if they have a big ego and have already decided that they are right! Instead of arguing with certainty, put some humility into it by saying "I wonder if there could be another way?" or "How are we going to solve this problem?" When we take a humble and open-minded approach to discussions, we're more likely to be creative in finding solutions.

 We will also be more likely to hear the ideas of others. When we are humble, our ego is not as involved in what happens so we can keep an open mind about other people's opinions and are less defensive.

4. Lose credibility . When you are right (and only when you're right) it is important to state your point of view clearly, but then be quiet...as soon as someone else has heard what you have to say they'll decide if they want to agree with you or not. If you continue talking-defending yourself or attacking their opinion-you lose all credibility and end up sounding petty and childish. So let go of being right all the time, listen well, ask great questions, admit mistakes and find ways to collaborate.

You may find it useful to think about the bigger picture of what you want: if your team is not working well together, this could be affecting the productivity of everyone on your team...and that could also affect their income. If you feel like there's a lot of tension and negativity in your marriage or relationship, it will not only affect how happy you are but how well you communicate and resolve issues together. And at work we need to move past our differences when we disagree…we do not have unlimited time or budget so we must cooperate with each other better!

The next time you feel the urge to prove your point ask yourself: Is this going to make me look right or increase my influence? Take a step back and see if there is another way that allows you to get your point across without coming across as patronizing, defensive or superior. When done well, arguments can lead to greater problem-solving when people are willing-and brave enough! -to admit they could be wrong.