Stop Over-Idealizing Romantic Relationships

It's not uncommon for recent college graduates to feel like they've finally realized what love is when they find someone who fulfills all of their relationship fantasies. They start to think that this person is the only one out there for them and that everyone in the world should be so lucky to meet someone so perfect.

This viewpoint may seem productive in the short term, especially if you're just starting off in life after graduation with no solid income or network of friends and family around you. A lot of people get into relationships because it feels good—it feels better than being alone—and sometimes that can be more important than establishing whether or not two people are actually well-suited for each other long-term. But over time, even in your early 20s, the infatuation stage of a relationship wears off and you start to see people more clearly. Their flaws really begin to stand out and they might not be as perfect as you remembered them when you were in the throes of passion.

No matter how much you like someone it's important to be objective about who they are; otherwise, they could end up bad-mouthing their exes behind their backs or standing you up when it matters most. Here are some tips:

First: Get an idea of what differentiates a "good" relationship from a "bad" one. A good relationship is one where both partners love each other and treat each other with respect and consideration—it's easy for both people to be themselves because they feel safe. A bad relationship is one where the power dynamic is unequal and both partners are not being treated equally or are afraid of what will happen if they speak up.

This approach to defining a good versus bad relationship can help you get an idea of whether or not you're with someone who's treating you right. In a relationship that's equal, it shouldn't be too hard for the two of you to discuss your pasts since all have been more-or-less equal in terms of giving and receiving love from others. If it feels too difficult, then there may be a problem with how much he cares about your feelings and needs compared to his own. It's also probably worth asking yourself this question:

Is your partner just as likely to criticize you for being sensitive or emotional as they are to criticize you for being insensitive or cold?

Female-led relationships are often criticized by men because of the way they can sometimes treat their male partners. Men who have been in emotionally abusive relationships with women will tell you that even if they realized something was wrong, it took them a long time to speak up about it or admit it to anyone else. It's important to remember that both men and women (and non-binary people!) deserve love that lifts them up rather than tears them down. Love is not always soft, cuddly, and gentle; sometimes love is made of tough lessons learned through difficult times. Love many times looks like a person being willing to stand up for themselves and say no.

Second: Be aware of how your relationship agreement works. This is where you have to be objective about whether or not the way you're being treated in your relationship aligns with what you agree upon as a couple. Coming from a personally difficult experience, I once had a boyfriend who said that he loved me but wasn't going to treat me right…and that he didn't want to tell anyone else about our personal life because it wouldn't look good for him—even though we weren't even out as a couple yet! That should have been a serious red flag but I was desperate for love and attention after an emotionally abusive ex-girlfriend, so I ignored it.

If your partner is telling you that they love you but don't want to be seen with you, they might not actually love you . They may just want someone to do things for them or appear as though they have a relationship without having to make any sort of sacrifice or commitment -- which is not real love.

While this situation is an extreme example, it's important to realize that there are other more subtle ways in which relationships can go sour. For instance, if your partner was previously dating multiple people at once and then decided he wanted only one person, maybe that person better start asking some serious questions about why his/her partner changed their mind so suddenly! It could very well be because they were unhappy with level of attention or commitment that they were receiving prior to the decision.

Third: If you find yourself constantly giving more than you're getting, it might be time to reevaluate whether or not your relationship is fair . Sometimes love looks like having to swallow your feelings of hurt every time something goes wrong instead of addressing the problem directly. While this may seem like more traditional gender roles , it's important to remember that everyone has emotions and needs—but if one partner isn't willing to address their issues with respect for both parties' lives, it can lead to an unfair situation. Ask them if they plan on doing anything differently in the future. If they say no, then you might need to consider how much longer you'll be wanting a relationship with them.

Fourth: If your partner is often rude to you or doesn't treat you like a human being with feelings , the relationship isn't fair. Some red flags to look out for are if they belittle you, manipulate you, act condescending toward you, make passive aggressive comments towards you, etc. These things most definitely show that they don't care about your feelings and needs—or theirs if theirs become inconvenient for them—and that their feelings aren't mutual or real .

Fifth: You deserve to be treated well. This doesn't mean that every single person in the world is capable of receiving your love perfectly; it just means that everyone deserves respect even when they're struggling . It can sometimes take us some time to realize that we deserve to be treated better, but if you find yourself stuck in a negative cycle it might help to talk through your relationship problems with someone who can be objective. If you don't feel like you have anyone around you who can understand or support your feelings , I wrote about some places where people can get help here .

Relationships aren't always rainbows and sunshine (and they shouldn't be!), but they should never leave you feeling worse about yourself than before. You are worthy of receiving love that lifts you up   & empowers  you, not tears  you down!