How To Tell Difficult Truths To A Friend Or Loved One
Have you ever met someone who had something in their teeth and didn't know it?
Most of the time we don't feel comfortable telling them because we don't want to insult them. But, how often do people say insulting things about your appearance without meaning to - right in front of you? Well, most people will tell you that they probably have once or twice. Just like the person who has something stuck in their teeth, people think they look just fine and can't imagine what you're talking about when you point it out. Unfortunately, most people's self-perception is way off from reality.
What if we were less concerned with our friend's feelings and concerned with helping them live a better life? What if we looked at a friend with something in their teeth and decided to tell them anyway?
We do this all the time, whether it's an offline experience or online. When someone posts pictures on Facebook that are blurry or poorly composed we usually don't say anything about it because nobody wants to be that person who ruins the picture. But, what if by not telling them you're preventing them from improving their photography skills? Maybe they won't see their mistakes without your help.
This principle can also apply offline. Imagine you were at a party where everyone was drinking some really delicious cocktails except for one person who brought over orange juice because, "I'm watching my weight." You look at this situation and think, "Why would someone watch their weight at a party? That's just silly!" You see that orange juice and think, "That person is so annoying! They're preventing me from enjoying myself with all this delicious alcohol." But, what if you said something to the person whose drink it is anyway.
What if you had the courage or concern for them more than your comfort or fear of insulting them?
This principle can also work in reverse. Imagine you were on a date with someone who was extremely rude to the waiter. Maybe they snap at him over an incorrect order or are inconsiderate when he drops off dishes. You look at this situation and think, "Wow, what an asshole! I'd never go out with someone like them." But, what if you did say something to the person anyway.
What if you had the courage or concern for them more than your comfort or fear of insulting them?
There are four steps to telling someone a difficult truth. These steps are not linear but should be gone through progressively throughout the conversation. First, I'll explain how these steps work before giving an example of each step in the context of our date scenario.
1) Empathize
The first step is to acknowledge that you understand why they may feel or think a certain way about their situation. For instance, if you want to talk about how orange juice at a party is obnoxious and why they shouldn't bring it you should first acknowledge that they may feel like it's the best choice for them. If you simply say, "Orange juice is dumb," then they are justified in feeling hurt or angry at your comment because you didn't acknowledge why they thought their decision made sense.
2) Acknowledge their concerns
The next step is to acknowledge their concerns about telling them something difficult. For our orange juice example, you could first acknowledge how weird it would be if someone else brought orange juice and then say how you've noticed this about some of their behavior as well. This will show them that you understand why they might not want to hear what you have to say and make it more comfortable for both parties. It shows respect for one.
3) Give them the difficult truth
After you've shown respect for their feelings and concerns it's time to give them the truth about what you think they should do. This can be done in an empathetic way, but not a sympathetic one. It's important not to make our friend or loved one feel like it's their fault that this is happening to them. It may seem like it's easier to do this by saying something like "It seems like you're doing xyz because of blah blah blah" but that comes off as condescending and doesn't acknowledge their feelings or concerns.
4) Stand with them through their resistance
Your friend or loved one is going to resist your difficult truth. It's just human nature to not want to change or do something that we've always done. If they think orange juice is perfectly ok for parties maybe you should acknowledge their feelings on the matter rather than tell them it's stupid because there are reasons why they might feel that way.
However, if after acknowledging their feelings your friend or loved one still thinks that it's a good idea then have the courage to still stand with them through this resistance. Don't let this be an excuse for you to go back on what you said and leave things as they were before the conversation started because while letting go of the status quo may seem scary sometimes people need someone to have their back even when it goes against what they want or feel.
Now that you've got an idea about how the four steps work here's an example of each step in our date scenario.
1) "I understand how you might think getting orange juice is a good idea but I've noticed it sets a bad impression with people and makes it seem like we don't have any consideration for others."
2) "It would be weird if someone else did get orange juice, however, I've been noticing some behavior from you that makes me wonder if something's going on. Are you ok?"
3) "Orange juice at a party is obnoxious and means that your priorities are misplaced." Try to keep this to one sentence.
4) "I'll always have your back when it comes to big decisions, but I'm only going to be there for you if we're both standing up for what we really believe in."
While this is a simple explanation of how the four steps work and isn't exhaustive, it should give you an idea of how to do something that can sometimes be difficult: telling someone a difficult truth. What matters most is having respect and consideration for your friend or loved one while still maintaining your beliefs and staying true to yourself.